Tip #14 – Why Doesn’t She Just Leave? Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Why do people (usually women, the primary victims of domestic violence) remain in dangerous, abusive relationships, often without seeking any help for years?  And, why do they repeatedly return to an abuser, over and over, after initially getting the courage to leave?  The family and friends of the battered women (and the police!) often give up in exasperation over this; but many barriers to “leaving,” real or perceived, do, in fact, exist.  Here are just three:

1. Over time, after repeated verbal and/or physical abuse, the victim has become emotionally dependent on the abuser, blames herself for the abuse and feel she deserves it.  She might also deny the potential for severe abuse or death and rationalize or find excuses for the abuse. 
2. The victim had been isolated by the abuser from friends, family and other sources of help and believes there’s no escape; particularly relevant if the victim lives in a rural area or is an immigrant (legal or illegal). 
3. The victim fears that the abuser will become even more violent if she leaves, especially if he’s threatened to kill her in the past; and/or fears the abuser will harm the children if she leaves, especially if he’s granted joint custody (quite common).  

To help us all stop blaming the victim and gain more understanding of why people stay in abusive relationships, check out the website of the highly-praised documentary “POWER AND CONTROL:  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN AMERICA“   for 10 powerful video answers to this simple-sounding question. 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  If you need immediate help, call National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD).  Crime Prevention 101